My Heart is Full

You could say that it has been a long day. I would agree. It began this morning at 2:00am when Cannon woke up. That was the last time I was able to feed him through his NG tube. The reason is because he had to be fasting for his G-tube surgery set for 12:15 today. We (George, Laura, Ethan, Ella, myself and Cannon) went down to the lobby of our hotel to fill our plates with the breakfast that would give us the energy needed to do all we were to do today. Cannon was particularly good and happy. At 10:13 I looked the clock next to my hotel bed and made a wish on my lucky number that today was going to be a good day. Cannon continued to be patient and calm as we hustled around getting ourselves ready. We arrived at the hospital promptly at 10:56 to check in for our 11:00 check in time. We signed Ethan and Ella in to the sibling's playroom and then sat ourselves down, with our pager, to wait for the Dr. to meet with us and give us final clearance for Cannon's surgery.

The clearance for surgery relied on our biggest concern; having Cannon under anesthesia with his hypotonia and respiratory issues. We met with each nurse and doctor individually to go over the procedures and expectations. It was after this that we received confirmation that he was able to have to the surgery. I took off the clothes I had picked out for him, the ones I made sure were the warmest and softest. I thoughtfully put his little hospital gown on and kissed my favorite kissy spot, the bridge of his nose right between those angelic eyes. He seemed to understand what would be happening today as I lovingly wrapped him in a blanket and I watched the nurse scoop up my precious little baby. As she walked side by side with the anesthesiologist down the hall to the operating room, I felt as if my heart was being carried down the hall with them- as I guess it very well was, wasn't it?

I was sent out the opposite door, but I did not go out until my swaddled baby was out of my sight. I was told the procedure only takes about 20 minutes so I should wait in the waiting area for the surgeon to come give tell me how it went. While we were discussing feeding options with the dietician, as promised, the surgeon came to tell me the update. He assured me that the endoscopy and g-tube placement went smoothly. (I have some amazing pictures of the inside of my little man's belly.) I could breathe a little sigh of relief. My lungs were still full though, because I was holding my breath until I heard from anesthesia that he was awake and no complications came from his underlying conditions. Forty-five minutes was the quoted time frame I was holding on to. After an hour, I reminded myself that some kids can be a little slower to wake. At one hour and fifteen minutes, I allowed myself another 20 minutes before I could be worried. George and Laura picked up Ethan and Ella from the siblings room and took them down the street to get some lunch. At 3:16 I made a wish on Kent's lucky number that everything was still okay. I was waiting by the gray doors they pointed me to and with each door opening, I tightened a little, hoping to see the familiar face of the doctor that I trusted with my baby. Each time a doctor came out that I did not recognize, my heart sunk a little lower. With cell service going in and out at the hospital to keep in touch, and my family not with me, it was getting harder for me to keep my strength up on my own.

Side note: I just have to say how thankful I was to have my laptop with me (the Christmas present Kent got for me while at the NIH) so I could keep in touch with so many caring people through Facebook- hah! yes, I realize how totally ridiculous it is that I just said Facebook was my companion today. It was the loving thoughts and prayers that weren't sent my way that let me know I was being supported and loved by so many people.

By 4:00 my mind was tired of sitting in the waiting room with me so it began to wonder. This was not a good thing. I said a little prayer that I could talk to Kent and for a moment I received cell service. I quickly called Kent to ask him how long it usually took for his dental patients to come out of anesthesia and he felt like I had been waiting a little too long also. By this time George and Laura had finished lunch so I went and asked the receptionist if she had any news. She made a call and found that he was doing fine, but still in recovery. We were handed a map and pointed in the direction of the Rocket elevators, that led to the Giraffe hall, where we would find the room we could wait to meet Cannon in. We got settled in his room and waited. It was while recording a video with Ethan and Ella for Kent that I heard a cry that I could not mistake. My heart cried back and I immediately got to my feet and longingly looked out the doorway to see my baby. His cry was different but unmistakeably the cry I have been waiting for for too many hours. In anticipation, I hurried and sanitized my hands and stretched my arms out, aching for them to be full. Full they became. Full of my sweet Cannon. Full of new obstacles, full of new questions, full of wires, full of tubes and full of complete gratitude that my baby was back where he was always supposed to be.

Many times today I have had tears well up in my eyes and I have swallowed them away. Now as I sit in the quiet darkness of room number #2019, playing Cannon's favorite music and listening to the snoring baby I missed so much all day, I let the tears flow. I let them come. I let my strength melt away as I am enveloped by the love I have for this precious little boy who teaches me so much about myself every day.