12.16.2010

In a Nutshell

The title of this post has double meaning since Cannon's hospital visit was extended to be a five day stay. Although Kent was still going over to sleep at the Children's Inn at night, we spent most of our time in the 12X12 foot room at the hospital with Cannon. It seemed as the walls were getting closer to each other everyday. Now that I am home and rested (yeah right), I realize that we were very blessed to have the care and treatment that Cannon so desperately needed. We came home with bags of supplies, including but not limited to syringes, alcohol preps, tube feeds, ace bandages, gauze pads, and some other items that I'm not even going to pretend to know the names of them. I couldn't possibly have enough time to narrate the trip as perfectly as I want to but I do have lots of cell phone picture, (why would I think that I wouldn't need my camera?! It's not as if this would be his very first step on the copper treatment journey. Nah- not that big of a deal. Leave the camera home, right? UGH. I am still kicking myself).

When we first got to our appointment with Dr. Kaler. Cannon was so weak from not eating.
Big bed for such a tiny patient.
Kent was holding Cannon while we were waiting to meet Dr. Kaler. I love this picture because I see Cannon looking at his dad, trusting him.
Dr. Kaler met with us and discussed a lot of our questions, gave us information regarding copper and the Menkes research study that Cannon will be a subject in, and gave Cannon a physical examination.
As part of the Menkes study, each patient has a routine ultrasound. I didn't use the "we can't wait to find out if he's having a boy or girl" joke again- lesson learned in Seattle.
When we explained to Dr. Kaler that Cannon had only had 4 ounces to eat in the last 48 hours, he ordered a urine sample. Results from the urine sample, showing that he was extremely dehydrated with dangerously low sugar levels and high acid in his blood, turned us from "day patients" to "overnight patients" which was just across the hall from each other.
Since Cannon already has very tiny veins that are hard to find, with his dehydration it was nearly impossible for them to get an IV in to get fluids into his body. He was sent up tot Radiology where they used an ultrasound to find the vein as they put the needle in.
After about 12 hours of that IV, his vein blew so they had to try finding another vein. Two nurses, and 8 pokes later they had no luck. Cannon was screaming for mercy as they second nurse pulled the needle out of attempting at his ankle, to reveal a hook at the end of the needle. She had hit his ankle bone in the process. It was 3:45 in the morning, Cannon was exhausted, I was emotional and the doctor was mad at the nurses for poking him so much. The next morning they took Cannon back up to Radiology to try and get a new IV line going. After 4 attempts they said they couldn't do it. That is when they had no choice but to put in a nastrogastric tube. They did an X-Ray to make sure the tube was placed correctly in his stomach and not in his lungs.
The X-ray revealed two things: that the tube was in the correct place and that Cannon has pneumonia.
My poor little baby was exhausted and sick. When they first put the tube in, they used so much tape it covered most of his cheek. It took a bit of getting used to. Look at those red circles under his eyes and his dry little lips.
Feeding time is a harder and easier since now he can be fed in his sleep.

My boy has some crazy eyebrows!
This nurse is my ANGEL!!! After tube feedings, copper shots, vitals done every hour on the hour 24 hours a day, she saw my energy wearing thin. One afternoon, Kent went out to buy me an early Christmas gift (more on that later), so the nurse insisted on taking Cannon out to the nurses station to do his next feeding while I slept! What?! HEAVEN! I slept from 4:00 to 5:00 and woke up to hear Cannon crying, I was so tired that I closed my eyes and fell asleep for another hour. I went out to the nurses desk and Cannon was sound asleep in his little car seat. She told me she would keep him until he woke up. I was able to shower and brush my teeth in pure enjoyment. She took her job to the next level and I am so grateful for her in my moment of need.
In our church we do Humanitarian Aid projects. I have not participated as much as I like but I have gone and made baby blankets before for Project Linus. While at the hospital, the nurse came in with a stack of blankets as part of the Project Linus. She told me the local Humanitarian group made these blankets for sick babies in the hospital. I was able to pick one of the blankets to keep for baby Cannon. I never expected to be a recipient of one of these blankets but it touched my heart and I will cherish that blanket for Cannon the rest of my life.

We wanted to be home so badly, as we were missing our family, friends, Christmas traditionsand a beautiful snow storm. While all of those things were going on without us, Cannon was watching a little Christmas program of his own from his hospital bed.
Each day we thought we would be able to go home and each day they told us that Cannon needed to stay another day. We weren't real patients (only Cannon was) so we did not get meals at the hospital. Cafeteria food was not appetizing so we ordered chinese and pizza and nothing turned out to be any good. The hospital had a soup and bagel shop that I frequented but it was closed on the weekends. We finally resorted to cold cereal from Walgreen's for the rest of the stay. Kent and I tried to keep each other from going crazy by playing games and watching TV. I do have to say there were a lot of tears shed but about half of them were from laughter. Maybe they were laughter of insanity because there was nothing else to do but laugh, but laugh we did. I am thankful Kent is with me going through this trial because he does bring a bit of "silly" to the whole thing.
These were the toilets at the hospital. Just to illustrate how "crazy" we were going, we laughed all weekend about how the Snowmen come to the NIH to use the bathrooms. It doesn't seem funny now that I type it up, but I sure did use it as comic relief on multiple occasions while at the hospital. Beluuuga, I guess.
On Sunday night, the Dr. considered (I don't think he really would have) letting us go home but our connecting city, Minneapolis, had been hit with over 17 inches of snow, causing the airport to close down. We were now stuck until Monday. The blessing of it is, we were talking about sending Kent back on Sunday so he could be to work on Monday, while I stayed until Cannon was ready to be released. The traveling home with medical supplies, a tube fed baby that needed a copper injection in the airport was already too much for the two of us to do together- I could NEVER have done it on my own.
The one thing that kept me going was the BIG FAT GREASY burger from Five Guys Burgers and Fries. You better believe I ate that whole thing. Did you not read what I wrote above about cafeteria food? :) All said and done we are glad to be home! And Yes, this IS just the Nutshell of the story.




12.10.2010

Facts of the Matter

These are the facts:

-As of Tuesday, Cannon has had 5 ounces of formula by mouth
-Yesterday afternoon, Cannon was admitted to the hospital for dehydration and hypoclycemia
-Cannon has been running a fever since last night
-Cannon was put on an IV to hydrate him
-Cannon's blood and urine came back normal white blood count but abnormal sugar and electrolyte levels
-Last night Cannon had his first dose of copper injections
-At 2:00 am, Cannon's IV blew his vein and after multiple tries, nurses were unsuccessful to run a new line.
-This morning Cannon was given a NG feeding tube
-Cannon received his second dose of copper
-We have a 6:50 flight home that we are still hoping to make
-Doctors are reluctant to send us home until new blood and urine tests come back normal

We are hoping to make it home tonight, but also want to do what is best for Cannon. I'll keep you posted. As for now those are the facts- most of them.

12.08.2010

How'd We Get Here?

I know that we dropped off Ethan and Ella at Kathy and Jory's house last night. I know that we woke up at 4:00 this morning to catch an early flight from Pasco. I know we had a layover in Minneapolis where we had breakfast bagels for lunch. I know that we tried feeding Cannon from a medicine binky, one teaspoon at a time, to get him to eat something. I know that we caught a flight that brought us here to Baltimore. I know we rented a car and drove to the N.I.H., where we had to evacaute the car so it could be searched for bomb materials.
I know we are now staying in the "C" wing of the Children's Inn at the NIH where we share a kitchen with the "E" wing.

I know all of these things, yet my question remains,

"How'd We Get Here?"

Taking a moment to myself to do a self guided tour through the Children's Inn Facility, I walk a little slower. I let the stars on the walls, with names of generous donors and sponsors sink into my heart. My slow pace turns into a standstill as I let the spirit of this place wrap me up. Pausing a little longer, I think about the many lives, the many children, these stars hanging from the ceiling have seen. I think about what diseases they must have in order to be at the National Institute of Health. What genetic disorders, or otherwise, do they have that they travel from wherever they live, no matter how far, to be able to be seen my doctors and researchers that dedicate their lives to studying and testing and researching and re-testing and studying some more to help find an answer, a treatment, a cure!? My heart breaks for each one of these children, and their families.


Then I look inward. My Cannon boy is one of these rare and special kids. My family is one of those families traveling from far to see the doctors, to get an answer, a treatment, dare I say my impossible wish aloud...


A cure.

It hits me.

My child is one of the worst. One of the sickest. A "Menkes Mommy" friend said she was at a "Make a Wish Foundation dinner" and realized her child was the sickest one there. It's true. All diseases and disorders are sad and tragic but some are treatable. Some have a cure. Some have hope. Some you can fight. Some you can beat. Since a lot of babies don't get diagnosed within the early weeks, as in Cannon's case, Menkes does not seem to offer hope. I literally felt a punch to the stomach when the reality hit of the weight of this situation.


We have been from coast to coast with doctors and specialists of all kinds. Tomorrow is a big day. We are thankful for the chance to meet with Dr. Kaler. I feel grateful to be meeting with the researcher that knows so much about Menkes, but trying to remind myself he is not going to be our "Magic Wizard behind the curtain." meaning- we are trying to stay realistic yet hopeful at the same time- which is a fine line to tell you the truth.

As these thoughts, and many more, flood my mind, I walk slowly back up to my room. I come in to find my little man sleeping peacefully on the bed. He is beautiful. His body is imperfect but he is perfect. The best part of all- he is mine.
Kent and I had some time tonight to talk about where we are, where we have come from and where we want to go. We are thankful for this time of reflection. Cannon has been sent to us for a reason. Cannon deserves so much, more than I feel we have been giving him, but not more than we can give him. We are determined and dedicated to give him the life he needs- the life he deserves and we will do everything in our power to get the answers we need to bring comfort and peace to him. My goal is to listen to Cannon, know Cannon. I want to do what is best for HIM. I love him so much and pray that we can continue to be guided by our Heavenly Father, the only one that knows what is best for Cannon. We are thankful for our family and our dear friends that make this journey bearable, possible and enjoyable. We love our Cannon and the joy he brings to our lives.


12.05.2010

A Great Day

Today was one of those "Feel Good" days. I think I might have to change that to a "Feel Great" day.

Ella was feeling better this morning but we didn't want her going to church and getting anyone else sick. Kent did the noble thing and stayed home with Ella and Cannon so Ethan and I could go to church. I was in charge of sharing time in Primary and the lesson hit home about the birth of the Savior. Heavenly Father sent His only Son to earth to make the ultimate sacrifice of death, to be resurrected, to conquer death and save all that would believe in Him to partake of Eternal life. As I face the reality of losing an innocent child, my heart is heavy with gratitude and humility for the love my Father in Heaven has for me. I am thankful for the birth of the Savior and happy to be putting more of my focus on that this Christmas.

After church we hung out without appointments or obligations. Later, Reagran and Annie came over to watch the Christmas Devotional with us. We made cookies, had a visit from some sisters in the ward and got the kids to bed early.

As we've all noticed, I am sort of on a roller coaster of good and bad days. I know that life will not always be good- or bad- but when I have a good day, I am going to notice it and then enjoy it.

And today... was a great day!


12.04.2010

Farm Implement Parade

Sunnyside is known for it's Farm Implement Parade. This year, Community Dental (the Martin's) worked very hard on a putting a float in the parade for the first time. They did an excellent job. The float took home 2nd place! The kids were going to ride the float but Ella started complaining of a headache. I decided to stay home with her and Cannon. On the way back to our house, she threw up. Poor girl came home and went straight to bed at 6:30, after her nice soak in a warm bath.




Pretty cool when you see Santa doing the Gator Chomp!


12.02.2010

24 Days...

This Christmas we are determined to remember the meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate it. Kent and I are trying to teach our kids, while learning some things ourselves, the "Reason for the Season"- I've always loved that cheesy saying. Tonight Ethan and Ella wrote their Christmas lists and then had to write a different Christmas list as well. A list of what they would be giving Jesus for his Christmas- for his birthday. I am exhausted again tonight, but happy that we have the gospel in our home and the feeling of Christmas in our hearts. Good night. I miss my camera. I need to go buy a new memory card- the cell phone pictures are NOT going to cut it for all the memories we are going to be making during the month of December!

How Does She? Gift Giving

I feel better today. After a few hours of sleep, Reagran came over this morning to hold my Bubba while I finished trimming the tree and decking the halls. I have been making my "to-do-before-Christmas-list" and I was trying to think of simple and cute gift ideas for my neighbors. As a little girl, I remember my mom always doing some "cheeky and adorable" gift. The kind of gifts that the kids could help out with, and that made the recipient smile- without breaking the bank or dominating too much unnecessary time. When I came across this website- How Does She? -it was exactly what I had in mind. You must take some time (as if you have any to spare this time of year) and get inspired for some holly jolly gift giving. Yay! Here are a few of my favorites from the list of close to 30 ideas. If you live in my neighborhood, pretend you didn't see these because I've just spoiled your surprise. You have to take the time to read the tag, that is the cutest part of these clever little gifts.

#1. Cookies in a can.
#2. Yummy Smelling Soap
#3. Cookie Dough
#4. Snuggle Fabric Softener
#5. Brownie Mix


Go Back to Sleep, Now

"Go back to Sleep, Now." Simple words of a beautiful lullaby on Cannon's favorite CD that is one of the best ways to soothe him. At 1:00 o'clock in the morning, after screaming his Dad into another room for the night, those words are pleading with my baby to get the rest his body is craving. My whispering, my cuddling, my rocking and everything else I've been desperately trying has failed. I roll over and hit the 'play' button on the CD player and my precious little baby lets me give him his pacifier and hold his tiny hand in mine as his body relaxes and he finds sleep for the moment. It is now that I may finally close my eyes and sleep. My tired soul cannot find relief. In turn, the music that calms my baby reminds me of how precious and sweet his little life is. As I look at his peaceful expression and think of all that is going on inside his imperfect body, I let go.


I let the tears go.


And go they did.


Along with the thoughts of what I have to face- what other moms have already had to face. I don't understand! Then the question hits....


"Why?"


Why does this unforgiving disease have to exist? Why do innocent little babies have to have such a life that they cannot even move their own heads? Or move their own arms and legs? Why must they have seizures, twitching, failure to thrive, twitching, nerve damage, brain damage, kidney stones, feeding tubes, swallow studies, surgeries and the constant struggle to breathe? Why can they not have rest and peace to at least get sleep and escape it for the night? It doesn't make sense to me. I want to know how to fix this. How can this be fixed? There MUST be a way that this can be fixed!!! I don't want a life for Cannon that was frustrating and difficult and miserable for him only to have it extremely cut short. I keep dreaming of the night that I will be able to sleep again- but then I remember what that would mean- that would mean Cannon wasn't here anymore- and with that thought I NEVER want to sleep again. I want to hold my baby and never put him down. I want to be holding him now, but he just fell asleep and you NEVER wake a sleeping baby, even if it is to hold him so close you can feel his heart beat against yours.

I received some good advice from a father of a brave little boy that lost his battle with Menkes. He told me, "Don't live for a funeral- live for a cure. Cannon is still here and you still have a chance." I pray that can be the truth. I pray for Dr. Kaler (the main Menkes research doctor) to be inspired and have clarity to move forward with his research and his findings with the ravaging disease. I pray that all the precious little boys that are fighting so hard to stay out of hospitals, or get out of hospitals once they are in, will continue to fight as we, their parents- along with the doctors- fight too. Fight to find a cure. I've never felt so incredibly responsible and helpless at the same time. I wish I had gone to medical school so I could be smart enough to know what to do and how to help. That is why I pray for Dr. Kaler. He did go to school, I pray he is smart enough- that he will soon learn what it takes. I pray that us parents, collectively, will have the inspiration on behalf of our children to work together with Dr. Kaler and FIX IT!


"When you wish upon a star... makes no difference who you are... Anything your heart desires will come to you." Words from another song on this beautiful CD that is now keeping my baby peaceful. My heart longs for those words to be true. I wish I may I wish I might... all my prayers will come true tonight.



12.01.2010

25 Days

Happy First Day of December! The tree is trimmed and the nose strips have been applied with care... To All a Good Night!

(I lost my camera memory card somewhere in Utah so cell phone pictures until I purchase a new one).

Thanksgiving Trip

Suitcases are cleared out, laundry has been started, groceries have been purchased, but getting back to "normal" life after a trip doesn't look to be in the near horizon. I will try to get pictures posted and events journaled, but day-to-day tasks are demanding my time right now. Here are pictures of my very favorite day EVER. The day Ethan was baptized. It was a beautiful experience with tender feelings of the Spirit. My little boy grew before my eyes and I am honored to be his mother and witness what his life holds in store.