I finally woke up feeling like I could do it. I could start organizing Cannon's things that have been around the house. Of course I see them sitting in the corners of each room all day every day, but I have somehow pretended I don't think about it. Well, it has been long enough that my house isn't cleaned, which means the corners too.
I moved Cannon's little lounger seat from my room into his room. Yes I say "his room" even though he slept in our room (which I am so thankful for the blessing that we spent almost every night together). His room is in the process of becoming the play room with his pictures and canvases from his birthdays on the wall- I will make a post about it soon.
Once I came back into my bedroom from carrying his chair into his room, pretending not to feel the pit in my stomach as I noticed how light the chair was without Cannon's body in it, pretending not to remember every time I would carry that chair from room to room so he could be with me as I went about my day, pretending not to remember the times he would be in his chair with me in the kitchen as we made cookies together, I came into my room to find his little hat on the floor. It was the same hat he wore the first day of his life.
My heart broke a little but I didn't break down and sob, so I am noticing that little by little I am healing. I am thankful for the healing process and I am thankful for the many wonderful memories I made with a boy that couldn't move and couldn't speak a word.
I love you, my little Bubby boy.
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