Reflecting

Today I went to visit a friend at the hospital in Yakima.  As I pulled in, I had a wave of memories come over me from the last time I pulled into the parking lot.  I was nearing my second trimester of my pregnancy with Cannon.  I had been on bed rest because of the bleeding I was having.  I was going to the hospital to meet with a doctor from Seattle to review our ultrasound results regarding Cannon's precarious condition.  I remember Laura being with Kent and I since she was helping us out while I had been on bed rest.  The three of us were led into a small conference room and we were seating around the table to wait for the doctor.  It seemed like a very long time before he came in, and yet I remember thinking I didn't have enough time to collect my thoughts before we were told the results from the ultrasound.  It was then that he proceeded to tell me that I no longer needed to be on bed rest because my body would naturally abort the pregnancy if that is what was to happen once my body realized the fetus wasn't healthy.  I understand the medical side of it, and I am amazed that our bodies do know when something isn't right and can usually take care of things on its own.  I have also come to the understanding that this is a very personal and individual experience and that it is not just black and white. I'm not saying that I would never have another child but I am also not saying that I would have another child without heavily considering the life a Menkes child has to endure.  In this case, all I heard was that if this baby isn't perfect, it's not worth working so hard to keep it alive.  As I walked into the hospital today, carrying my little Cannon in my arms I thought, "I would love to see that doctor today and show him Cannon."  It was then that I had the realization that not everyone would see Cannon's life as a success.  Maybe to that doctor he would see me bring Cannon in and think, "I knew that things would've been better off if her body would've naturally aborted."  My heart was pricked in thinking that maybe some would see me as a selfish mom that wanted her baby here at all cost.  I was immediately reassured that Cannon is exactly how he is supposed to be.  He is exactly WHO he is supposed to be.  I am so very thankful that my body knew what needed to happen to fight to keep this fragile little baby alive to be a crucial part of our family.  Cannon has been the light in our lives that we never could have imagined.  Kent, me, Ethan and Ella are better for having the tender blessing of being in constant contact with a true angel on earth.  We have come so far in the last three years since that appointment and I am so thankful that I have the honor of being chosen to be his mom.