Then I Remember

I surf blogs, it's what I like to do. I like to see what people are doing, people I know and people I do not. I find inspiration, I find distractions, and as I surf blogs tonight I find myself heartbroken. I already feel myself changing. I will never be the same, no matter what happens from here. As I read about things other people are doing, I am jealous of those that don't have this weight on their shoulders, I am jealous of those that are excited to dream of their future and what it holds for them. I used to love to dream of my future but now whenever I hear the word, my whole body cringes with despair. What is a stronger word for despair? That is what I feel when I think of my future. Along with knowing Cannon's condition- comes more of the unknown. How long do I have to hold my baby? How long do I have before he starts having seizures? Will his next cold be too much for his body to fight off? How long will it be that we can continue to pretend that he is going to be okay? How long before I have to shatter my children's world by telling them the news about their baby brother ? It's sickening to me. It's not right- it's not fair. We're supposed to be a family of five that travels the world! We are supposed to watch Daddy and Ethan teach Cannon how to play football! Endless conversations between Kent and Ethan were about how old Cannon is going to be when he beats Ethan in basketball for the first time. We are supposed to watch him run and play. He's supposed to grow up and serve a mission and go to college and get married and have beautiful babies of his own! Our sweet, precious, little bubba.

After all of these ugly, horrible no good thoughts of sadness creep into every free space in my soul...

I remember.

I remember that Cannon is a Son of God. I remember that his mission on earth is bigger than I know. I remember that there is a plan larger than mine. I remember that I accepted these trials before I came to earth. I remember that I knew the heartache I would experience here. I remember that I am not the only one to ever experience this pain. I remember others I have watched carry on with this hole in their hearts also. I remember the love my Heavenly Father has for my family, for Cannon... for me. I remember that I am a daughter of God. I remember that I am a woman of faith. I remember to fall to my knees in prayer and beg for the courage to find strength to survive what I have yet to experience. I remember my family. I remember my friends. I remember the open arms of so many people that love me.

I remember that I am not alone.