One missing

Today I was folding the laundry and making individual piles for each member of the family.  When I saw these two piles on the couch, it hit me.  One less pile.  I miss my Bubs.

"Hats Off" to Healing

I finally woke up feeling like I could do it.  I could start organizing Cannon's things that have been around the house.  Of course I see them sitting in the corners of each room all day every day, but I have somehow pretended I don't think about it.  Well, it has been long enough that my house isn't cleaned, which means the corners too.  

I moved Cannon's little lounger seat from my room into his room.  Yes I say "his room" even though he slept in our room (which I am so thankful for the blessing that we spent almost every night together).  His room is in the process of becoming the play room with his pictures and canvases from his birthdays on the wall- I will make a post about it soon. 

Once I came back into my bedroom from carrying his chair into his room, pretending not to feel the pit in my stomach as I noticed how light the chair was without Cannon's body in it,  pretending not to remember every time I would carry that chair from room to room so he could be with me as I went about my day, pretending not to remember the times he would be in his chair with me in the kitchen as we made cookies together, I came into my room to find his little hat on the floor.  It was the same hat he wore the first day of his life.  

  

My heart broke a little but I didn't break down and sob, so I am noticing that little by little I am healing.  I am thankful for the healing process and I am thankful for the many wonderful memories I made with a boy that couldn't move and couldn't speak a word.  

I love you, my little Bubby boy.

Take the time it takes

This morning, I avoided the treadmill by making Kent help me switch bedrooms around to make Cannon's room into the new play room.  I like the idea that the kids will play in there and see his pictures and feel him with them as they play.  Although I am still avoiding the treadmill, I feel like it was a productive morning.

Kent is at work and I'm on the computer working on Young Women's projects and listening to Mindy Gledhill.  I probably knew better than putting her music on because Cannon and I always listened to her while I worked on the computer and he sat in his little bed next to me.  His bed is still right next me...

So this is where I am at now...

...

Quick Fix

In order to keep from getting to down in the dumps, I figured I should just keep moving.  My friends from High School were planning a get together last weekend.  It has been so great to catch up with them from time to time when I visit Utah.  One friend from our group, Britta, has moved to the east coast and our trips have not coincided for over ten years.  When I heard she was coming to Utah, I knew I wanted to be there.  It would also be a good time to clear any old flowers off of Cannon's grave and get some artificial ones to decorate his grave until we decide on a headstone and have it placed permanently.  I was only planning on going for three days, during the week, so Ethan and Ella were going to stay home with Kent.  Last minute decision, Ella came with me.  I'm glad she did because it was nice to not be alone and we both enjoyed a little girl time. 

Ella was so excited that her cousin Afton got to skip school and sleep over at Grandma's with us.  Grandma knows how to spoil these girls- skinny pancakes!!!

Going to Cannon's grave wasn't as emotional and powerful as I was expecting, but it was peaceful and beautiful.  My mom and Camille helped me pick out some artificial plants to put out and we found a cute copper vase to hold some bright yellow flowers.  It is just so perfect.  I am thankful for the beautiful view from Cannon's grave of Mount Timpanogas. Whenever I look at those mountains, I am reminded of my childhood and growing up in this beautiful valley surrounded by breathtaking grandeur. I can't help but think of the song "How Great Thou Art".  I truly felt like I stood there in awesome wonder.  My mom commented that the sun was setting in the same was it was on the day we buried Cannon.  I am thankful for those tender mercies that bring warmth to my heart and let me know that I am known by my Father in Heaven.

I love knowing that Cannon is right next to my mom's parents, my grandparents.  It has given me a special connection that I have felt whenever I am at the cemetery. This special feeling began when Cannon and I stopped to visit their grave just after we received Cannon's diagnosis.  I had a sense that my grandma was very mindful of Cannon and what we were facing.  I know it sounds a little strange, but I have peace knowing that Cannon's body is not alone.  

What a blessing it is that 8 out of the 12 of our close High School friends were able to meet up for dinner.  They have been so loving and supportive throughout our journey with Cannon, and have really rallied around me as I adjust to life without Cannon.  It was so fun to laugh with these girls and see what beautiful women they have become.  They are some of the most talented and wonderful mothers I know.  They gave me a precious necklace in the shape of Utah.  They gave me a good idea to engrave a heart on it so that I can remember my heart is always in Utah.

The night before I left, my siblings came over and we had a little pizza and swimming party!  The kids always have so much fun together.

 Once everyone was in their pajamas, we all had fun sitting in the living room together laughing and enjoying each other.

I always hate to say goodbye.  This time was especially hard because the last time I took a picture of this view, I had Bubs in the back seat with me.  Although the sadness that he isn't physically with me anymore, I am thankful for the overwhelming feeling that I know I am blessed to see him again.  I am humbled to be loved so dearly by a family that I don't deserve.  I am glad I took the time to make a trip to Utah for a "quick fix".  

My sister is so thoughtful!  I hope to become more like her.  She sent this darling, and delicious, package home with us.  It has a cute plaque that says "I Love You to the Moon and Back"  I am so thankful to have her as my friend.

The roads were very foggy on the way home but we were thankful for the protection to get home quickly and safely.  The drive was a wonderful time of meditation and reflection for me. I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I was overcome with feelings of love from my Heavenly Father.  I received impressions of things I need to know and what is expected of me.  I am grateful for this time of refinement in my life to learn of these things and continue to better myself to become closer to my Father in Heaven and to build a stronger relationship with my Savior.

I Feel My Savior's Love

If I wait to get caught up with pictures and journals, I will miss what is happening now.  What is happening now has been the single most powerful event of my life and I cannot postpone putting my thoughts onto "paper".


Today marks one month since Cannon took his first steps into heaven.  Tears overcome me as I type these words on the keyboard I have used so frequently with Cannon by my side.  This time he is not here.  Not physically.

December 13, 2013 Cannon took his last breaths, in my arms, as I repeated "I love you, I love you, I love you...." until I couldn't hear him inhale and Kent lovingly told me, "He is gone."

{Here it comes.....

I've been surprising myself today by not crying.  I have been scared of this day, the mark of the first month without him, expecting the worst- crying, screaming, not getting out of bed, being home alone as the kids first day back to school.  Now as I sit and type this, the reality hits and the crying and not wanting to be alone has finally hit.  How many days or months will it take until I don't cry as if I am crumbling to the ground?  I can't imagine ever really getting over the heartache, but I don't know why I have to be so fragile all the time.}

I wrote the time of events and my feelings in my journal and I plan to upload most of them to a blog post soon.  As I said at the beginning of this post, I can't keep waiting to get caught up or even more will be missed.  I've been dreading today and going through it alone with Kent in Texas for work and the kids back in school for their first day since Cannon passed.  Overall I have had a feeling of peace.  I have had Cannon's favorite Pandora station on and I am sorting through pictures, changing laundry, and eating cookies for breakfast (and lunch).  I have had so many people sending me messages and checking in on me that I could not help but feel thankful to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, for loving me enough to send these tender mercies into my life to let me know I will never go through this alone.

I just received two bouquets from loving friends that did not forget this milestone.  I am overwhelmed with the support and love from so many.  Who am I to have them think of me and pray for me?  I pray that I can be a person worthy of their concern and love.  Thank you to all of you that have showed us the pure love of Christ through your actions to raise us up and help us take one step at a time when all I want to do is fall to my knees and cry.

Conclusion:  This hurts, but I know I will be okay.  I know that I have been given many blessings in my life to help me go through this trial to make me a stronger person in order to reach my divine potential.  These blessings are each of you reading this post.  It's with my sincerest gratitude, that I say "Thank you".